Dan and I are epic
thanks to us,
Jimmy's gettin' it.
See,
we were the ones who had the bright idea
of setting him up with Aimee.
And I mean,
as Aimee's bestfrannn<3
of course I was a little skeptical.
With Jeremy.
And the whole
THEY JUST BROKE UP I DON'T WANNA PUSH THE RELATIONSHIP
even though we did.
and it worked!
They're so happy. :)
they held hands at the play
and when they got back to my house
I left,
and they creeped in front of my house for an entire HOUR
just like, talking and shit
(yes. just talking. I know Aimee's sense of morals, despite what we ALL would LOVE to think ;D )
so I'm thrilled
to see two of my close friends
together.
- teeheeheee :)
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
yourdarkheart- November 21st, 10:15
- Confessions.
-
- yourdarkheart
- November 8th, 7:36
I just have to get this out.
To the freshman scene girl I have added on myspace.
You are so ridiculously fake.
Just keep talking yourself up in your "about me"
but really?
If you had any humility
you wouldn't bother to say
"I have an oversized heart" or
"i'm the only one with enough guts to say something around here"
or any of that seemingly "deep" bullshit.
and the whole "OMG MAKE ME A SIGN" shit?
no one cares.
it doesn't make you any more loved.
it just makes you look more and more like an artificial scene kid.
so wipe off the makeup and return your $1000 worth of Hot Topic "scene" shit
and start acting like a REAL person.
To the other girl I met.
You are FOURTEEN.
You do not need drugs.
Or alcohol.
Or sex.
You have time to live.
You're making yourself look immature,
not cooler.
My respect factor for you dropped exponentially every few minutes.
No
I have not tried pot.
And guess what?
I'm probably a hell of a lot better off than you are.
But then again
I have to say that I can't totally blame you
and I want to give you a hug for how things seem to be at home.
But please
for your own sake
get your act together.
Oh, and stop littering.
Really.
- 21 before 21.
-
- yourdarkheart
- November 2nd, 19:27
one. Slow-dance with a significant other at prom.
two. Spend the night in a guy's arms.
three. Get ridiculously drunk.
four. Get a job.
five. Get my license.
six. Tell my story in front of an audience
seven. Stay out all night.
eight. Spend an entire day writing.
nine. Volunteer at a soup kitchen once a month.
ten. Spend a large amount of money on a friend or family member.
eleven. Become closer to my grandparents.
twelve. Decorate my space - dorm, bedroom, apartment - the exact way I want.
thirteen. Move out of this house & go to college.
fourteen. Be the best at something, anything.
fifteen. Provide hope and inspiration to others.
sixteen. Meet somone famous.
seventeen. Get a tattoo.
eighteen. Dye/highlight my hair.
nineteen. Buy a really nice purse.
twenty. Eat a multi-course meal at an upscale restaurant.
twenty-one. Donate blood.
- Schizophrenia?
-
- yourdarkheart
- October 31st, 8:55
angry
I have come to realize
that life is one huge, fucked up gain,
and no matter how hard I try
I will always end up dead last.
I'm so tempted
to break open the coffin,
play with fire.
Nothing has hurt this badly
in a long while.
I haven't felt so alone.
So useless.
So forgotten.
Just more evidence
that he does not care
and that trying to start over
trying to branch out
trying to escape
is pointless.
Maybe I'm crazy.
(Do you really have to ask yourself?)
Well, I've made progress.
(Does it even matter anymore?)
It should.
(Then why do you feel this way if you're so fucking fine?)
...
- Somewhere between night and day.
-
- yourdarkheart
- October 28th, 2:27
anxious
It is 2:27 AM.
There is no way I am falling asleep now.
I've been up for hours,
thinking
contemplating
worrying.
Hiding a secret.
THE secret.
The one that, well,
has the power to create or destroy an empire.
And that just will draw everyone closer
like flies to honey.
But you'll never know.
Or maybe, one will, two will.
The two people who need to know,
who deserve my trust more than anyone.
Nope, not even them.
But someday, it's bound to come tumbling out.
And with it? Equal but opposite reactions.
For now, however,
it remains in two secret vaults,
two unlikely sources knowing
what I can hardly admit to myself.
What I could never admit to anyone else,
unless I was sure.
Unless I knew it wouldn't kill me.
Unless I knew I would be okay.
And to be honest,
it will either happen and work out perfectly
or it will pass, untested, lost in the wind,
and I will move on with my life.
Too early to determine.
Actually,
I shouldn't even be thinking about it.
I believe I have time,
years, if I estimate correctly.
Years to allow this decision -
okay, it's definitely not something I chose to do -
to grow, blossom, expand
mature.
That, honestly, is the biggest one.
Mature.
Let's face it:
I am not mature enough to deal with this situation right now.
But I may have to.
I'm going to be tested
very
very
very
soon.
Do I have the control to withstand the temptation?
To control the urge?
To control this feeling?
To make the right decision?
I
guess
we'll
just
find
out.
- Weird.
-
- yourdarkheart
- October 25th, 16:37
happy
I feel naked.
And I know that sounds totally messed up.
But it's not even in the depressing way.
I just feel like...
happy with myself.
With who I am, when I'm not trying to impress Dan.
When I'm trying to be someone else for the sake of being me.
Or should I say, for figuring out who I am.
I guess I've finally realized that, well,
Dan is happy with me,
and I'm happy with him.
And I don't have to be like, bigboobz & plastic & tan and whatnot
for him to think I'm beautiful
or for me to think I'm beautiful.
I guess everything feels just
plain weird.
Maybe it was just the shit from last night, yanno?
Feeling whipped.
Seeing Mikey whipped, although he didn't seem to realize it.
I wonder if guys know when they're whipped by their girlfriends.
Maybe not.
I mean, I knew I was being treated like shit,
and I was PISSED.
Maybe, in a sense,
my family's right about her.
I love her to death, you know?
But maybe
she's turning herself into a sex symbol.
Is she my cousin,
or a stranger? A businesswoman?
A pretty face in front of the microphone,
whose first priority is her band,
all other responsibilites -
sister, daughter, friend, cousin,
niece, grand-daughter -
pushed aside, thrown like discarded clothes
into someone else's hands to put away?
Maybe we're the same person.
Maybe I'm a hypocrite,
turning traitor against my own blood relatives,
then defending their position against my TRUE family.
I don't quite know.
But still,
last night was amazing.
With alpacas
and friends
and food
and obnoxious disobedience
and whatnot.
Definitely worth my dad's angry, tired glare
when I walked through the door at...
12:19 AM?
Who cares.
Kev could've dropped me off towards 12, more like.
But being a brat :) I wanted to be dropped off last.
Why?
To be perfectly honest,
just so we could listen to
"The Unwinding Cable Car."
Legit.
And hey,
Tabby had my iPod this whole time anyways,
and she's a bitch with her music. :D <3
But that song
that one song had
such
an
impact
on how I see
him.
me.
our friendship.
It truly is
the correlation
between salvation and love.
<3
And I'm finally
more than just
"getting by".
Maybe,
just maybe,
I truly believe
and have the strength
to get in the place
to be in that place
that I was last year.
Beyond pure stability.
it was like
stability cubed, times twenty-four.
24(stability)^3 ?
Anyways.
I mean, I procrastinated today.
Too good of a weekend to do work, bwahaha.
But besides that,
everything is getting done.
I have physics, an essay.
That's all that NEEDS to be done,
But I'll get ahead a little,
regardless.
And by the way...
I've been with Dan for five months.
This is
an all-time record.
And in a way,
that's kind of sad.
I know so many people
Who've been in long-term relationships
6 months plus.
I want that.
With Dan.
And to be perfectly honest...
apple juice sounds good too. :)
- Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?
-
- yourdarkheart
- October 18th, 7:48
Myyy goodness, the chaos of life. :] :[
well, I had my amazing! super seventeenth princess birthday featuring the epicness of NINE-30. and like, for the most part it was pretty awesome. it didn't beat my sweet sixteen, but it was SO nice having everyone together. and obviously nine-30 sounded amazinggg! <3 I love my cousin and the guys.
on the negative side, school is murdering me. I'm literally spending ALL DAY doing homework & studying & all that fun shit, AWESOME, RIGHT? But I'm passing everything. Even history, which I'm doing really badly in. But Mr. Maughan actually LIKES me so I get away with a lot. i'm hoping to raise my grade a bit, at least to a B+ish range.
This past week has been rather chaotic, but absolutely amazing.
1] I got my class ring. And I have to say, the junior ring mass was pretty awesome. but my ring is SO AMAZING. it has "becca" on the side above a butterfly, then "Beccalicious!" engraved inside with Kevin's handwriting. I'm totally in love with it... it'll be the odd day where this ring actually comes off. <3
2] I spent friday night with the awesome Liz Cignoli making a LOT of friends at the mall. We went to 99 and got three-course meals and our waiter Travis made friends with us. And I mean, that was cool and all, but he was kind of older and bald and like, anxiously STRAIGHT that it was kind of weird. bwahahaha. Thennnn we went to hot topic and I made friends with one of the workers since I asked him if all the twilight shit got annoying to people who HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE twilight. But I got a really cheap paramore binder and purple converse for UNDER $20 BECAUSE OF THE FREAKING TWILIGHT LISTENING PARTY. so that was an epic win. I also made friends with the cashier talking about my cathedral pride. And then we creeped Kevin at Sears since we CLEARLY have nothing better to do, and all his coworkers think we're dating.
3] I HUNG OUT WITH DAN AND GIMPY YESTERDAYYY! <3 it was almost full taco tuesday crew, just minus nicole. That bitch :) <3 but I love her. So it's all good. They came over for a bit, and we went to creep the mall - TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW FOR ME! We made friends with the person working at Waldenbooks... and I got Dan to go in HOT TOPIC. he seemed so freaked, it was hilarious. And then we creeped Ms. Leone and Kev at Sears, and Leone would NOT shut up as usual, and it was hilarious. She was willing to get Dan into a rated R movie since he forgot his ID, the smart kid that he is. and somewhere I realized that I can actually get into r-rated movies, so I felt... the complete opposite of utterly brilliant. But anyways, after Kev got off work, we all went to Friendly's. The Wilbraham one was crowded with girls from Chaug - I actally saw Steph Motyka, who was definitely on SOMETHING - so we went to the one on Page by the highway. And there was this ghost thing that traveled across the room and Kev got SUCH a delight out of it, I was dying. Then we all creeped my house for a bit and played my magical princess fishing game which is WAY too complicated for kids under the age of 12.
Anyways, I want to write more, so much more, but I have homework & tally's here. Sooooo yeah.
- I've got a brand-new mindset.
-
- yourdarkheart
- September 26th, 14:41
I watched one of the more recent episodes of LA Ink today, where Kat dyes her hair and gets a new tattoo because she's getting a more optimistic mindset. It made me want to do the same - not to dye my hair that really ugly shade of blonde or to tattoo my idol on my ribs, but to make a change and get a new mindset. My birthday's coming up on Tuesday, which I am extremely psyched for... can you say nine-30 basement show? I'm starting to realize that there's another reason why I love the idea of a "princess" theme... not only is it kickass and a way of remembering my childhood before I become a legal adult and all that enjoyable nonsense. But lately I've been feeling so down on myself and emoey. And I think I need that night of feeling absolutely special, and feeling like a motherfuckin' princess, to get my spirits up a bit more.I need a change.
School's both excellent and frustrating. I love finally understanding physics, and calc is incredibly easy. English is so much fun to listen to, even though it's hard for me to contribute because I don't understand it as well as my peers. But listening to what they say makes it easier for me to understand and draw my own conclusions from. But I absolutely hate Religion because some of the people in there, like the kid with douchebag piercings who sits infront of me that I shall not name. I have a large amount of really obnoxious kids and then one or two that seriously creep me out. Chelsea Delamadrid sits next to me, and she's actually pretty cool to talk to. Joe G is once again in religon with me, as is Delina. History absolutely SUCKS because Maughan is... Maughan-y. And boys are obnoxious. And I'm not a fan of Latin because Ms. C is a GOOD teacher... just not a GOOD teacher because I haven't really learned anything and I spend half the class being SLEEPY. Ugh.
My sister's best friend just bought a hair-removal laser. WTF?
- I am
-
- yourdarkheart
- September 2nd, 21:12
jubilant
... a junior.
Not at the tippedy-top of the
high school food chain.
Nor at the bottom,
an insect to be squished and stepped on.
Somewhere just higher than the middle,
like a B+ on a paper.
For me,
a B+ is falling short of my standards,
but in reality
I love junior year.
I have, respectively
Mr. V
Catelli
Mr. Maughan
which is said like "mawn".
Shaylor,
who no longer terrifies me.
House,
Pratt,
and Camporeale --
excuse me,
Magistra.
I actually
think I might survive
this year,
with my 4 APs
and one honors.
And not to mention
my awesome
sunlight beads.
Thank you for that experiment,
Ms. Catelli!My homework's already done,
along with extra projects.
I'll update again
when I have something more interesting
to write about.
- Sunday lunchtime.
-
- yourdarkheart
- August 30th, 13:00
gloomy
The "family" is currently
sitting around the table,
finishing up lunch and
beginning the afternoon arguments.
I don't want to see this.
I don't want to hear this.
Normally,
I keep tucked away,
hidden safe between
the bright red folds of my bedroom walls.
My sister
usually has the right,
sensible ideas.
Surprising, right?
At least, for me to admit it.
But she gets this.
She realizes, sometimes,
how flawed my parents are in their thinking.
Especially my mother,
and her political excuses for doing
anything worthy with her life.
She's overly concerned
with how people view the
plastic smile on her face
and the sugar-covered poison flowing from her mouth.
But we see through it.
My sister, my dad, and me.
Then again,
I see through all of them -
my sister's inability
to understand any sort of
emotional dysfunction.
My dad,
the one who could possibly be
a functioning member of society,
but separated from me
by oceans of my own memories & experiences
and all his time
hidden behind machines.
They're talking about the closing of our parish.
"I'm not changing," says my mother.
"I'd have to go to Christ the King,
and their social circles are already formed.
There's no point in going."
But isn't the point of going to Church
to see God,
rather than make friends?
Then again,
it isn't like she goes to Church anyways.
I just can't want
to get back to the sunlit hallways of Cathedral.
And maybe that sounds a bit like a fairy-tale,
too happy for a high school day,
but it's true.
Those courtyard windows,
on those perfect sunny days,
make life seem a little less gloomy.
Only two more days -
well, a day and a half.
Sometimes school is a prision,
even I will agree to that.
But those painted brick walls
seem so much more welcoming
than the golden bars
that I throw up around my mind,
my heart, and my head
when I'm with my family.
- Yesterday, taken from my TH blog: Countdown.
-
- yourdarkheart
- August 27th, 21:46
nostalgic
I'm bad at keeping journals.
I never write in them enough,
not even on a weekly basis.
I tend to forget.
But there's six days left of summer.
Six days left,
and I become a junior.
and I turn in all my summer work.
and I'll be finished with crappy AP reading.
We're celebrating Marissa's 20th birthday Friday.
Me, Kevin, Hiller, and a few other awesome kids.
I have friends in their twenties?
That's so weird.
Lexi's turning sixteen,
and she has her own band.
Tally's turning thirteen
going on nine.
Sometimes I worry about her -
Will she survive in this world
where young teenagers are vicious?
When she still
plays with toys and calls felines
kitty-kats?
Maybe she doesn't have the worst of it.
St. Michael's Academy middle-schoolers,
stuffed into 1/3 of our Cathedral High classrooms.
Which, might I add
were sectioned off,
"just in-case" the scary high school kids
wanted to stuff those multicolored plaid specks
into their brand-new lockers,
while we still "make do" with the
putrid green book recepticles that sometimes
don't want to keep closed.
I have to worry about the future,
both the near and far.
My relationship with my new boyfriend
(Okay, not-so-new),
trying to get that birth control
without Mother Dearest knowing.
Prom and SATS,
college applications,
and the big C itself.
When did I become so old?
- Maybe we'll stay out; maybe I'm fine.
-
- yourdarkheart
- August 23rd, 20:27
- cheerful
My street is flooded, and there's a car stranded in the flood. Um, WHATTHEFUCKMUCH?!
Stefani Cheney came over today, which was amazing. We had talked about hanging out alllll summer but never got the chance to, and it was so awesome to talk & stuff. We went to - legit - Chuck E. Cheese's and got a pizza and played games and I won freakin' like, 70 tickets with 6 tokens, ain't I legit? We creeped up the mall and just looked around everywhere. Pretty fun stuff. Oh and we went to Staples and got expression-face tacks and I got this graph composition book that I MAY use as a new journal. And we sat in my room and talked for HOURS. I freakin' love that girl.
It's summer. I don't know if I want to go back to school. Like, I love my sleeps & free time & shit, but I want to think. (LOL SISTER LOUISE) And I got all this cute shit, like notebooks & binders and decorations and I am PSYCHED. Though I have just about NONE of my summer work done, and that's getting to be QUITE the problem.
But who cares?
I feel so creative, and free, and inspired and motivated. Just not for homework though. I want to make my bedroom wall (in the singular; referring to the window wall) look like a sky. Or designs. I'm not sure which.
I love my friends and that I'm chill with almost everyone. I love spending time with Kevin. I love seeing nine-30. I love everything.
Vita est dulce.
- Losing my mind.
-
- yourdarkheart
- August 18th, 11:37
- angry
I'm angry with him because he can't stop.
I'm angry with myself because I didn't (couldn't?) do anything to stop him.
I'm frustrated that I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself.
I don't want to go back to school.
- I just want to be able to express myself.
-
- yourdarkheart
- August 6th, 12:33
- morose
I don't know what the fuck I'm watching, but some little cartoon guy ... ON CARTOON NETWORK! said that.
And it's basically true right now.
So, last Tuesday or Wednesday, my grandfather on my dad's side came down with pneumonia. And I was just kind of like, expecting the worst, because he's 90 and he's in a nursing home and he has Alzheimer's. Excuse me. Had. Because I was right. He died Saturday afternoon. And the week's just been... sucky. My dad's taking it hard and my mom's kind of lost it. Everything's been depressing.
Oh and now I guess you could say stuff is STARTING to get back to normal, except I feel like shit. I haven't seen anyone since Thursday. I haven't left the house other than for the wake and funeral. Kevin's in Maine, and Dan and I probably won't see each other until Sunday. And I just feel fucking selfish and needy because all I want is to hang out with ONE person, and have some quality time and a really good hug. I must've hugged like, 100 different people at the wake and funeral, but they were all those stupid fake hugs that "families" give at events and stuff when they really don't give a huge fuck and it's all for show.
I just need a huge hug and some quality time with Dan or Kevin. I spent half of last night crying. And then I called Dan and I was a total bitch to him because he told me we couldn't hang out today. And I KNOW that wasn't his fault. And I felt selfish for wanting to see him because I had a sucky week and I haven't seen him since last Wednesday and I wouldn't be seeing him until Sunday. And then he was like, "Look, I'll ask my dad again, I think I need to do this." And that just made me feel like an imposing and needy girlfriend, as much as I did appreciate it.
I feel fuckin' guilty :(
And then I've been bitchy because I just want my mom to cook me some food. I don't want takeout, I don't want leftovers, I don't want to go out AGAIN. And she was like, "Do you want some ziti for lunch?" and I was SO PSYCHED because even though it was just pasta, she was making me lunch. I know I can make my own lunch, even ziti... but there's just something about your mom's cooking, ya know?
Guess what?
Fucking leftover ziti.
And not to mention, I hate leftovers besides pizza and rice. I don't mean like, if my mom makes chicken and we eat what we didn't finish that night the next day, but when we go out to eat and my mom insists we take everything home. I don't like leftovers from restaurants, and that's what it was. And yes, I know I'm picky. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but this week has been anything but normal, and I hate it.
Not to mention, I'm not sure how I feel about my grandfather dying. I didn't cry at the wake or the funeral. I can't even say I was sad. No one really seemed to be besides my dad, my uncles (his brothers), and my grandfather's sister, my Great Aunt Mary - the only one who cried. Everyone else was just kind of... there. And all those phrases - "I'm so sorry for your loss" and that, it just seemed all so fake. And I know those people meant well and stuff. I just feel like I'm raised off of empty phrases and cliches so I can't really see the caring and concern behind it.
I wish I could just run away somewhere. And to be honest, I've considered it a few times. I don't want to face junior year. I don't want to deal with people I once considered my friends. I don't know how to separate myself from the music department, if that's even an option by this point. And I just hope to God I DO make some new friends, at least some in my grade, so that when the seniors I'm close to graduate, I don't feel so empty and alone.
But on the bright side...
My mom talked to me this morning when I woke up and she told me I should start back-to-school shopping. :)! I seriously love this time of year. Because that means I get to spend money on pretty school stuff! So at least I get to shop everywhere, get more uniform stuff, and eventually get a haircut.
Still. There's a flower arrangement on the living room hutch. Our fridge is filled with bags of leftovers. My grandfather's American flag - the one on his casket, the one that the soldiers folded up and gave to my father to commemorate my grandfather's military service - is folded up and sitting on our woodbox.
Even after the flowers die, and the food is eaten, and my father puts away or hangs up the flag, will anything ever go back to normal?
- Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year.
-
- yourdarkheart
- July 27th, 12:39
- content
Right now I'm eating garlic pasta, which is probably the most amazing thing ever invented. It is absolutely DELICIOUS, even though I rarely eat it. I'm also drinking milk, because it's freakin' required if you want to keep eating.
Summer is about halfway over now, and I'm really not sure how I feel about that. I love hanging out with Aimee every week, and spending a ton of time with Dan. There are all these new people in my life that I love spending time with - Gimpy, Nicole and Ana (even though I've known them for a while), Hiller. I've been seeing more of my Ludlow friends and that always makes me so happy. I saw Mike Ziencina at Celebrate Ludlow and I was overjoyed to hang out with him. I get to shop and eat and go to Six Flags and swim and tan and sleep and be lazy!
I'm also terrified to go back, in a way. I don't want to see the people I once called my friends, especially one particular handful. They brought so much stress into my life, and having been away from them all summer - practically no contact whatsoever - has been so relaxing.
But on the other hand... I have been utterly miserable whenever I'm at home doing nothing. To put it lightly, I'm really not getting along with my mom and sister. We fight every day and every few days I'll break down in tears within the confines of my bedroom. Spending time with friends and Dan usually cheers me up, but I can't wait for the days where I'm spending 6+ hours away from both of them. Things are really rocky at home right now.
And not to mention... I want to get school stuff so bad! Ahaha. I want/need a new backpack, and I'm going up to NoHo with Aimee sometime soon. If anyone wants to make plans, contact me. Usually I'm pretty busy - I haven't even hung out with Liz yet! - but I'll most likely try to get a day with you. (:
- Love/Hate relationship.
-
- yourdarkheart
- June 27th, 11:39
creative
It's 11:44 AM and I feel disgusting.THINGS I HATE
- doctors appointments
- having to pix msg 65 pictures to my inbox
- having a sore neck
- deyhdration from 48 hours of carbonated beverages
- "Wow, Becca, could those shorts be any shorter?"
- being told I'm in an unhealthy relationship for getting into joking fights with my boyfriend
- rude people who need to be cockslapped
- people being "in" and "out" like fashion trends
- that obnoxious Janelle person and her band... who were CLEARLY on acid or something
- my sister giving me a curfew
- my sister telling me how I should be eating
- my sister telling me to play a sport
- my sister being a general bitch
- my mom being a general bitch
- ginormous prescription pills
- having no junk food to eat
- my messy room
- short hair
- greasy bangs
- PMSing
- bug bites
- being broke
- not having $$$ to go to Warped to see Jeffree Star
- my mom not letting me preorder the new Killswitch CD so I can get it signed at Eastfield next week
- my dad eating my chow mein noodles :(
- BROKEN IPODS
THINGS I CURRENTLY LOVE
- that feeling I get when Dan looks into my eyes
- conversations with Kevin
- sitting at Nicole's kitchen table with her, Ana, Dan, and Gimpy
- talking with Hiller on a daily basis
- short shorts
- long hair
- passing chemistry with a B
- my new green bra :D
- writing
- sims 2
- days I can just sleep &* relax
- cleaning
- reading
- spending time with Dan
- long walks
- getting tan, but not really
- showers
- painted toes!
- anklets
- tofu!
- lots of junk food
- monsterrrr!
- sleeping in until 10am or later
- snuggling, hugs, and kisses (preferrably from Dan) <3
- feeling tiny :)
- spontaneous plans
- Tabby!
- shopping, obviously.
- A Day To Remember
- Jeffree Star
- seeing Paramore ( third time! ) and No Doubt at Mohegan
- that cute little 30yearold lady that sat next to me at No Doubt
- the seven year old girl that went to the Paramore show and knew all the words of their songs... EXCEPT to decode (yay for no twilight corruption!)
- mcdonald's fries
- "thank you for being my friend even though i'm irresponsible with my vagina"
- Liz Cignoli
- TIME TO STOP CREEPIN'.
-
- yourdarkheart
- June 21st, 14:55
calm
DAN, I DID NOT FORCE YOU TO GET A LIVEJOURNAL. YOU GOT ONE OF YOUR OWN ACCORD, YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH. <3
Anyways. SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL'S OUT, FOR, THE SUMMER! I'm fucking done. Honestly, ugh. I'm sick of work. I need some time to CHILL & sleep and all that fun stuff.
Things I Am Psyched For:
- Six Flags trips
- tanninggg!
- THE BEACH
- sleep, lots of sleep
- hanging with Aimee, Tabby, Jeremy, Mike, and Lisa
- swimming
- SHOWS!
- Dan<3
- friends
- corn on the cob, peas in the pod, & apricots
So, all this past week were finals. And that was QUITE... notfun. I got most of them back - did AWESOMELY in Latin with a 98% ! I don't know HOW the fuck I pulled that off, seriously. Religion obviously went well. English went well - speaking of, I got into AP! That makes 4 AP classes next year and one Honors. Ahaha. I sold my soul. But when I told Mr. Brodeur this, he was like, "Well, it's okay, you don't have a life anyways." and that made me laugh because I would have NEVER expected him to say that. But, yeah. I actually pulled off an 80% on my chem final, which is weird 'cause I skipped about 25 questions. Yay curve grading!
And btws, for ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW. Yeah. dpaps and I are dating ! :D <3 as of... Thursday, officially. But it's been unofficial since Memorial Day. Yup. We were that good at hiding it, unless you're in Mr. House's c-period class where it's REALLY obvious if you know where to look. But, yeah, sobasically... he's amazing, Seriously. I mean, he a COMPLETE and TOTAL jerk, but he's like, idk. Adorable in the really romantic way. Except sometimes. But, he's the FIRST guy that I've dated that isn't emo. God. I'm so happy. To be dead honest, I NEVER thought I'd have a chance with him. :) :) :)
Wednesday is going to be AMAZING. Tabby & I are going down to Mohegan Sun to see PARAMOREMOREMORE! FUCK. YEAH.
I'm done for now; can't seem to concentrate.
- Again I wander.
-
- yourdarkheart
- May 10th, 18:12
- angry
Summer is finally coming, because my mom made corn on the cob the other day... AND she bought apricots. And that makes me thrilled because it brings the promise of sleeping late, Aimee Goncalves, Six Flags, and Warped Tour.
I need a tan, longer hair, a job, and my permit.
... why do I have nothing interesting to write about?
- I'm back... maybe.
-
- yourdarkheart
- April 24th, 18:42
- thoughtful
Yeah, so, I tend to wander from any websites I try to commit to... except facebook and myspace. Oh, and my e-mail, haha.
Anyways. This thing called life. It's interesting, I guess. I don't know. I just worked my ass off to change my grades. My last report card, I got a freakin' C+... from TRELA. Like, I didn't care that much, because I knew I would do badly. But then I got motivated and I was like, "Okay, I've gotta do so much better." And I did. Like, this quarter I got all A's. That's like, something I've only done ONCE since I started high school. I went from a 3.6 to a borderline 4.3 GPA. I don't know. And then I've gotten comments from people being like, "Okay Becca, yeah, you get this stuff - I don't." No. Not always true. Sometimes, yes, but not always. I just work my ass off. I hate when people complain about their grades but then never do anything to try and change it. Not even just grades - anything, for that matter.
I guess I just see this person in my mind, this girl I want to be. Maybe I'm striving for some fucking perfection, I don't know. Yet I'm setting all these realistic goals for myself, step-by-step processes that I could probably document in an MLA-format outline. Get a job by applying to these various locations (a, b, and c). Get my permit in May and take Driver's Ed over break. Save up for x, y, and z. Have noticable tan lines by the end of the summer. Get in shape and start eating healthier by doing 1, 2, and 3. Grow out my hair and get rid of blackheads.
I dropped a piece of a Ritz cracker as I was writing. It rolled down my chest, around my rib, hit the seat of my desk chair, then finally bounced off and landed in the trash can. I'm absolutely amazed.
I have all this motivation, it's ridiculous. It's like, giving up the worst possible things for me left me with this empty space, but everything I've gained from it is so much better. It's like, I rose from the ashes of my own self-destruction.
I don't feel perfect. Some days I feel invincible, other days I feel like I could shatter with the touch of a needle. It will never constantly be a perfect balance. It will have those perfect moments, like today. I went through my bathing suits today - a huge step in my recovery. I tried on a bikini I bought two or three years ago that hadn't gotten much wear - black, brown, and fuschia with gold thread running throughout. I last wore it in maybe seventh grade, and it looked sleazy on me. (But, then again, I bought it in the Women's section - what do you expect?) I tried it on today - the first time in two years I wore a bathing suit without my knee-length surf shorts to hide the somewhat evident handiwork of my self-destruction. And even in all my just-woken-up glory, I thought I looked pretty damn good.
I haven't had the greatest self-confidence lately. I'm surrounded by the best of the best. The people in my life are amazingly gifted - Kevin and Ryan are amazing pianists; Allie is a phenominal poet; Chrissy's artwork could be sold for hundreds; Lizzy could charge the same price for a solo concert as Celine Dion does, and her show would be sold out in seconds. Sometimes it's hard to feel okay about myself when everyone else already excels at anything that I want to even have a remote chance of succeeding in.
I don't need to excel by society's standards. I just need to do as best as I possibly can.
I am good enough. The only sad thing is that it's taken me four years to truly learn that. Still, I would not have it any other way.
Honestly, though, I'm still questioning what I want to do with my life in the grand scheme of things. Ever since I stopped The Habit, my life goals have been changing. I wanted to major in math, and I still think that's going to hold true for a while, but beyond that I don't know where I want to proceed. I've been thinking engineering, but there's so many branches and aspects of it that it seems like I could choose from. I want to study Latin further as well. However, one thing I am sure of becoming is a motivational speaker. I wrote my memoir, "Binding the Wounds," for Deeks' class and edited it like crazy to give to Kevin for his birthday... and I'm slowly publishing it in bits on TeenHelp.org . I want to help people. Even if no one else is around, they always have themselves. That can sometimes be a frightening and negative realization. I know I can't totally stop everyone from going through what I went through. I can't give hope and self-respect to the entire world. I can't prevent every self-harmer from pressing a blade to their wrist, or the hopeless from stringing a noose.
It doesn't mean I can't try and help those who are willing to make the change... or to be the inspiration for willpower.
I'm done ranting, I suppose.
- Only time will tell if violins will swell in memory of what we used to call, "in love."
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- yourdarkheart
- February 2nd, 20:19
Yeah, so, my life.
Um, I'm kindof way too psyched for March 6th, because Liz and I are going to see Senses Fail, Hollywood Undead, Haste the Day, and Brokencyde on the Saints & Sinners Tour 2009! w00t! I'm mostly psyched about HU and Brokencyde, because I absolutely LOVE Hollywood Undead and I've been listening to them nonstop for the past three days, basically. Then, I just downloaded Brokencyde, and they are fuckin' AMAZING. And I AM psyched for Senses Fail, but I won't be if they don't play my favorite song by them, "Bite to Break Skin" (but I doubt they will, anyways.)
Saturday I went to visit my brother, which was ... interesting. He bought himself a new house. On the plus side, it's really big, with four bedrooms and two full bathrooms - one of which has a HUGE bathtub. And it's right by a private beach. On the minus side... the kitchen is in horrible shape, there's green carpets, all the doors are messed up, the paint is all ugly primary colors, and the fireplaces are screwed up. But, once he & Ann finish renovating it, it's gonna be amazing.
Yeah, anyways, last Tuesday/Wednesday were pretty awesome. Allie ended up sleeping over (in hopes we were going to go to The Little Mermaid on that trip) and it was like, amazing. We just talked for agesssss about everything, it was absolutely insane. Then we went through my memory drawer and found "A Day at Olivia's" and we put that in my laptop and watched it. God, it's so funny how much we've all changed in the past year.
Hmm. The week coming up should be interesting. Friday I REALLY want to see Coraline, but I don't know who will want to go, because... it's complicated. >.< SO YEAH, LET'S GO.
Man, I feel like my life is so uneventful lately, even though it really isn't. I don't want it to be vacation. Then I'll have nothing to do. :(
<3 Becca
